Joke I Heard On Chinese TV

There's a school, right? And there's an Egyptian student and an Indian student in the same class. They start talking about their countries' ancient civilizations. The Egyptian goes to the Indian, hey, back in my country I was at the pyramids, and I found buried in the ground phone cables! This proves that Egypt invented the telephone first.

The Indian goes, well, I was chilling by the Indus river valley, and I dug a hole and found nothing.

The Egyptian retorts, ha!, you see, this proves the superiority of Egypt!

The Indian replies, no, it proves that India was the first to invent wireless!

Some More Thoughts

Why are you in China if you're gonna sit around and speak Indonesian all day?! Jesus Christ...

Why do we feel free to give kids amphetamine but not marijuana?

I got this bread thing with dates in it. Whole dates. With the large seeds still in them. I had to throw it out, because it was basically literally inedible. (It was also disgusting.) I can't imagine who came up with that brilliant idea...

How To Get Any Girl You Want

I can't keep the ladies off of me. Extraordinarily, jaw-droppingly beautiful Chinese girl, five minutes after meeting me, goes "do you have a girlfriend?" I say no, she says "let's go to karaoke. But first, we have to get drunk." What do I do in this situation? And why am I in it in the first place?

It's all in the voice. I'm incredibly good-looking, of course, but the main thing is the voice. This explains it all:

Even most girls don’t consciously realize the POWER of the male voice. They don’t say “wow, this guy has such a hot voice”, instead they say, “wow, THERE’S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HIM that TURNS ME ON”. In fact they’ll even rationalize it with other things, just because they have to have some reason to explain how HORNY they are whenever this guy speaks, and, like I said, most people are unconscious to the power of the voice.

I’ve known guys. Who look pretty average or even below average. But when they open their mouths… BANG. One, two, three… K.O.! There’s a famous saying, “the word is more powerful than the sword”, well this is where that saying came from.

Oh, guys have some idea about the power of the word, alright. But they focus on the wrong aspect. Guys worry about saying THE RIGHT THING… there is no such thing. That’s ridiculous if you think about it for just a moment: the idea that if he just says THE RIGHT THING, a guy can seduce a girl? Like she’s a robot or something? Yeah whatever. No, there is no “right thing” and no “wrong thing”. The semantics are utterly irrelevant when boy meets girl, it’s how the words are said. It’s the VOICE. The TONALITY. The VOLUME. The AUTHORITY. As far as the words themselves are concerned, a guy with a SEXY VOICE could introduce himself by saying, “Hi I’m a paint scraper, I scrape paint for a living and live with my grandma!” WORDS DON”T MATTER!

Don’t believe me? Watch the typical guy when he first meets his girlfriend’s family. It’s almost comical. He’ll be so nervous about saying THE RIGHT THINGS that he’ll end up sounding like a malfunctioning robot. Now swap him with a guy with GREAT TONALITY and VOCAL DOMINANCE who just SPEAKS HIS MIND. Suddenly the girl and her mom are battling it out on Jerry Springer fighting over this guy!

It even transcends language. A guy with a killer voice can go to a totally alien culture. Where he and the girls can’t speak a single word in common. He can even be totally ignorant of that culture’s norms and protocols. But he just starts talking and the GIRLS ARE ALL OVER HIM. He could be reciting the phonebook for all it matters. Hell, his foreign accent will be a BIG PLUS.

There are a lot of other factors that play a role when it comes to a guy being ATTRACTIVE. Things like body language, good posture, confidence, willingness to TAKE what he DESERVES.
But guess what. These things are all directly correlated to the man’s VOICE. When the man learns how to speak better, EVERYTHING else about him NATURALLY BECOMES GOLD. It has been said that public speaking is the most common fear. So of course a man who can publically speak is the MOST CONFIDENT MAN IN THE WORLD.

The author is completely right. In fact, I have never read anything more correct in my life. It explains my tremendous success with women (when I apply myself, that is).

For this is not an isolated incident. I pick up the chicks like there's no tomorrow here. My physical attractiveness and whiteness draw them in, my astonishingly good Chinese gets them horny, and my insane sense of humor seals the deal. Oh, and dropping the "I'm Jewish" line doesn't seem to hurt either. (Chinese girls upon realizing you're Jewish: have a look.)

I have come to the conclusion that I am simply a tremendously attractive human being. And it's not out of some ulterior motive, either; I have the same luck with Japanese/Thai girls.

Oh, and in case you haven't realized by now (from the tone, the sidebar on the right, the tags), this post is extremely tongue-in-cheek. Still, I think there's something you all can learn from it -- I wasn't kidding about that voice stuff.

Me, Matt, and Luke Go To White Castle

We went to buy meat skewers (串儿) at a place right outside our university at 10 o’clock. We discovered that the usual people selling them weren’t there, and as stuff was scattered around on the ground, we assumed they left in a hurry. (The street vendors can because their equipment and supplies are all mobile.) We suspected that they were kicked out by the police, who don’t like these people selling food on the street, both because it’s not sanitary and because they want foreigners to have a favorable impression of the city. (As if what attracts us here is something other than ghetto shit like that.)

So we walked around a bit, and about a block away we caught sight of one of the guys who usually sells fruit near the gate. A little more walking, and we came across the woman who sells the 串儿, who told us to wait a bit for her to come back and sell. So we started walking around again, and we bought some pancakes (煎饼) from this one woman who was pushing this cart around. (I think she usually sells at the same spot as the 串儿 people, also.) We kept walking, and in the meanwhile I got a potato from another vendor who sells the goods with a measure that I guess she uses to give the appearance of honesty. We ran into the woman peddling the pancakes a few more times, as we were following the police car that seemed to be trailing her. (The ultimate goal of this whole endeavor was to find 串儿, but it turned into “chat with the Chinese people”.) At last we found her stopped near the police station. We thought she was in trouble or something, and we resolved to start up an actual chat, which we did, and pay any fines that she might have incurred, which we didn’t (she wasn’t fined). We began talking about lamb, which she revealed was mostly pork in Beijing, even at actual restaurants (sometimes it’s duck). Then she told us that the potato we bought should have been 4 Yuan, not 7. Then we started talking about how her goods weren’t overpriced, because there’s no way to fake eggs, but somehow that the street vendors who sold buns often had 200% profit margins, which I didn’t quite understand. She was from the south, and her Mandarin sounded a bit funny, but we managed to catch most of what she said. When she moved onto how they skewered meat and then tripled or quadrupled the price, I lost her.

Well, we finally asked what she was doing in front of the police station, and she said there were no problems, that the police didn’t care, which we somewhat suspicious of, as they seemed to be following her and the others all night. Rightly suspicious, as it turned out; literally 5 seconds later, these two officers came up, and started getting increasingly angry with her; she protested that she wasn’t selling anything, but they kept at it, and shit started to look pretty serious. We got out of there pronto.